Men Who Cheat And The Women Who Can't Stop Loving Them

By Christine Akiteng
Remember all the times you swore “If a guy cheated on me, I would kick him to the curb. To me that would be a big betrayal, which I don't think I could look past”?

He cheated on you alright, you are upset, hurt and feel betrayed but you still love him despite yourself. What happened to you and how come you haven’t kicked him to the curb yet? Okay, may be you did, but how come you are going back and forth about “forgiving” him and moving past his infidelity? How come you still love him just as much as before he cheated?

The first questions most women ask after discovering that their men have cheated with someone else are. Why did you do this? Who is she? How many times? Where was I? Did you talk about me?. On the surface level it seems that the main and most hurtful ingredient is the lying, deception and secrecy. But on a deeper down level the questions a person who has been cheated on wants an answer to are: “Wasn’t I good enough?” Am I really that disposable? Did I really not mean that much to you at all? Is she prettier, sexier or better than me in any way?

When somebody cheats on you, they not only hurt your feelings and emotions, they actually “take away” something from you. It’s not just a betrayal of your trust/relationship but a betrayal of how you see yourself as a woman and as a person. That is probably why it hurts so deeply -- and for a long time.

The more details he gives -- even if it’s truthfully and fully -- the more inadequate, unworthy and confused you feel. You think may be if I was this or that he’d not have gone outside of the relationship to find it. That may be true in some cases and to the extent that there can be unmet needs and unhappiness in a relationship which make a man look for his needs to be met outside the relationship BUT men do not cheat because of women, MEN (AND WOMEN) CHEAT BECAUSE OF THEM. Cheating is a personal choice he makes knowing full well what the risks and consequences are. And no, it did not “just happen” out of nowhere, the choice to cheat came from somewhere inside of him.

Okay, he is flawed and has some serious issues, but you still love him. Where does that leave you? You’re the one who has the big decision to make. Do you stay with him or do you kick him to the curb? Do you forgive him or do you make him pay? What does what you decide to do say about you?

What you decide to do should be your choice. Just as he made a conscious choice to cheat, it’s your choice to stay or leave. Others may give their advice but the choice ought to come from you. Personally, I believe the choice to stay or leave is really secondary. Whether you leave or stay isn’t as nearly important as WHICH YOU is staying or leaving.

The basic issue with cheating is NOT that someone has lied or betrayed our trust. This is the common view (and serious misconception) in our society about cheating and infidelity. We love to divide more complex issues into little meaningless pieces (Was it an emotional affair or was sex involved? Did it happen once or several times and all the the other compartmentalization mentality). Cheating is so much more and it affects us (men and women) much more deeply than we as a society have allowed ourselves to comprehend.

If you genuinely love someone, your genuine feelings of love don’t just disappear. If it’s true love, you can’t switch it on and off because a man (or woman) lied, kept is a secret or betrayed your trust. This is because when you open yourself to truly love someone, it’s not just them you are in love with; you are also in love with the aspects of yourself that they mirror back to you. When that mirror is shattered or broken (as in cheating) you can not see yourself clearly anymore and you even question whatever it is that you see. Repairing and putting together this broken mirror image of yourself to its original condition (or better) should be your first and primary concern.

If you decide to forgive him and stay in the relationship without taking time to repair and put together that broken mirror image to its original condition (or better) you stay looking at a broken mirror image of yourself. You may even “forgive” him but you eternally feel the gaps in your sense of self. You find that you mistrust (and even disrespect) your own internal signals or intuition. You continue to doubt your own self-worth and competence and desperately seek validation from him or turn elsewhere for validation. Even more than that you become excessively sensitized to signals that might suggest that he feels unappreciated, unneeded, or unsuccessful -- it’s like being re-traumatized over and over. Even in the best of situations, you experience a lack of understanding, genuine appreciation, and a fundamental gap in receptiveness or responsiveness.

And if you decide to leave and find yourself someone else -- again without taking time to repair and put together that broken mirror image to its original condition (or better) -- what you take to your new relationship are blurred and broken pieces of a reflection of yourself which are further distorted when mirrored in your new man. Often times you will not trust what you see in your new man and this can get you really jealous and paranoid even when he has done nothing to trigger those feelings in you. The reverse can be that you become completely numb to how you feel (and his affections for you) causing him to become jealous and even paranoid. (Does she love me? Is she still in love with her ex? Is there someone else? Did I make the right decision with this person?). etc.

Once you’ve done the repair work and put together that broken mirror image of yourself, you may decide that you want to make the relationship work. You will be making this conscious choice from a place of empowerment (clear and whole sense of yourself). Or you may decide you can't live with him but you don't ever have to stop loving him - those aspects of yourself that you saw in him and loved.

This is what standing in love with yourself truly means. This is the secret of attracting true love - and a new loving man. And this is true for women as well as for men.

You'll find more articles I've written on Break-Ups, Cheating and Exes in the ARTILCES section of my website. It's my hope that you'll find your way home - to true love!

About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness™. Her unique approach to dating has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling relationships.

Christine's websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com and http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com

The Health Benefits of Sex

Lose weight. Reduce stress. Lower your cholesterol level. Improve your circulation. Live longer. Stay younger. Sounds like an ad for a new wonder drug right? In fact it's a partial list of the benefits of humanity's oldest and most pleasurable pastime - sex.

Most of us are aware of the feel-good benefits of sex while we're engaged in it, but do you also know that there are benefits which carry on after the sweaty bodies have dried and the sweet talk has reverted to sports? For instance:

Maintaining Ideal Body Weight

There are 3500 calories in a pound of fat. For every 3500 calories you burn (that you do not replace with food!) you will lose one pound of fat. Sexual intercourse burns approximately 150 calories per half hour. Here's how that stacks up against some other activities that may be part of your fitness regime: yoga 114 calories per half hour, dancing - rock 129, walking - 3mph 153, weight training 153, canoeing - 2mph 153, volleyball 174.

According to one survey reported by the Ottawa Citizen, Canadians on average have sex 7.33 times per month, lasting approximately 24.4 minutes. That means that "Joe Canada" is burning off more than 10 thousand calories a year, or about 3 pounds, in a not particularly active sex life. Those who are more sexually active, into Tantra for instance where lovemaking lasts 4 hours, would burn up 600 calories a session. At once a week that's 31,200 calories or 9 pounds per year. Considering that people put weight on gradually, slowly gaining 5-10 pounds per year until they are overweight, it's not unrealistic to assume that regular sexual activity is one way to help maintain a healthy body weight.

Increased Blood Flow

Sex helps increase the blood flow to your brain and to all other organs of your body. Increased heart rate and deep breathing accounts for the improvement in circulation. As fresh blood supply arrives, your cells, organs and muscles are saturated with fresh oxygen and hormones, and as the used blood is removed, you also remove waste products that cause fatigue and even illness.

Lower Cholesterol

Lowering your cholesterol is another of the "sex as exercise" benefits. Sex helps lower the overall cholesterol level. Perhaps more importantly it tips the HDL/LDL (good/bad) cholesterol balance towards the healthier HDL side.

Stress Reduction, Relaxation and Improved Sleep

People having frequent sex often report that they handle stress better, so the normal stresses of living do not become distress. The profound relaxation that typically follows lovemaking, with orgasm for women and ejaculation and/or orgasm for men, may be one of the few times people actually allow themselves to completely let go, surrender and relax. Many indicate that they sleep more deeply and restfully after satisfying lovemaking. In the relaxing afterglow you may be able to let go of distracting thoughts. Being able to stop thinking has helped many to overcome insomnia.

Sex as Pain Reliever

Through the touch magic of sex the hormone oxytocin is secreted in your body which in turn causes the release of endorphins. Because of these natural opiates sex acts as a powerful analgesic, elevating the pain threshold and helping to relieve the aches of conditions like arthritis, whiplash and headaches. Now there's a novel approach, sex as a remedy for headache rather than an excuse for abstaining!

With arousal and orgasm oxytocin levels rise. They spike 3 to 5 times higher than usual just before orgasm. In fact it is oxytocin that triggers the orgasm. Measurements performed at the Masters and Johnson laboratories have shown that the uterine contractions brought about by orgasm (triggered by oxytocin) are just as powerful as those of child labor. Women can use this extraordinary orgasmic contraction and relaxation of the uterine muscle to relieve cramps during PMS and menstruation.

Live Longer, Stay Younger

A British study of 1,000 men found those who had at least two orgasms a week had half the death rate of their countrymen who indulge less than once a month.

The hormone DHEA promotes sexual excitement and increases in response to it. Dr Theresa Crenshaw author of The Alchemy of Love and Lust says DHEA may be the most powerful chemical in our personal world. It helps balance the immune system, improves cognition, promotes bone growth, and maintains and repairs tissues, keeping your skin healthy and supple. It may also contribute to cardiovascular health and even function as antidepressant.

Prostate and Genital Health

Some doctors believe that more than 75% of men over 50 have a somewhat enlarged prostate, and that virtually all men will suffer from prostate enlargement if they live long enough. This condition, called benign prostate hypertrophy (BPH), is normal and usually not dangerous. Unfortunately, some of these men develop prostate cancer, one of the leading causes of death in older men. Regular sexual intercourse with frequent ejaculations will help to keep the prostate healthy.

For those men who practice delaying ejaculation, for example in the practice of Tantra Sacred Sex, performing Kegel exercises (in which you contract the muscles around your genitals), will tone these muscles, just as exercising other muscles tones other areas of your body. More importantly, these exercises will help keep the prostate healthy, by moving the sexual energy up out of the prostate and circulating it throughout your body. The technique is very simple and you can perform hundreds of contractions per day for top sexual/physical fitness for both men and women. Imagine you are urinating, but want to stop the flow of urine, that's all there is to it.

Contracting your muscles in this way is one of the healthiest exercises you could add to your exercise regime. When 178 Belgian men with minor erection problems participated in a 4-month daily rehabilitation program which primarily focused on Kegel exercises, 74 percent showed improvement and 43 percent were cured. For women, Kegels strengthen the entire urogenital tract, aiding greatly in childbirth and preventing the onset of incontinence in later life. They also sensitize the genital tissues, helping women to become orgasmic and/or increase the intensity of their orgasms

Boost Testosterone and Estrogen

Regular sexual activity boosts testosterone and estrogen levels in both men and women. Besides boosting your libido testosterone fortifies bones and muscles. Some physicians suggest that testosterone keeps hearts healthy and good cholesterol high. Testosterone is what makes the sex drive in men and women more aggressive. It makes you want to have sex, pursue sex, initiate sex and perhaps dominate the lovemaking. Testosterone seems to motivate both men and women to strongly desire specific genital sex and release by orgasm. Because men have so much testosterone, they seem obsessed with genitals, intercourse and ejaculation, but appear to care less for romance and foreplay-touching, hugging, cuddling, eye gazing, etc.

Sex increases women's estrogen levels keeping vaginal tissues more supple and also protecting against heart disease. It is estrogen that makes a woman sexually receptive and responsive to a man's approach. It is estrogen that makes her want to be touched and feel romantic, it is testosterone that makes her want to be penetrated. Estrogen makes a woman soft-breasts develop in response to estrogen. Estrogen is a powerful influence on how a woman smells. It influences the degree to which she projects softness, openness, and interest in sexual touching.

Men's bodies also produce estrogen. In fact testosterone can be converted into estrogen in the man's body. Some estrogen helps a man to develop the softer, more nurturing feminine sides of their personalities. As men age, the testosterone/estrogen balance begins to shift, with testosterone decreasing and estrogen increasing, and this is one reason why so many men seem to mellow out as they get older.

The Healing Power of Intimacy

Sex is good for you, but sex with love is even better. According to Dr. Dean Ornish author of 'Love and Survival: the Scientific Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy', "an open heart can lead to the most joyful and ecstatic sex". His researches into intimacy and its effects on health have shown that "anything that promotes feelings of love and intimacy is healing". If you have someone who really cares for you and for whom you care in return, someone you are intimately connected with in all ways - emotional, physical and more -- then you may be three to five times less likely at risk of premature death and disease from all causes.

Part of this has to do with the positive effects of touch, what Dr. Crenshaw refers to as Vitamin T. The chemical composition of your body is changed by touch. Caressing, hugging, stroking, cuddling send a chain reaction of chemicals to signal your brain that this is pleasurable, nurturing, good.

There is strong scientific evidence demonstrating the importance of touch to good health. In the 1930s, Dr. Rene Spitz, attending physician at a number of nurseries, noticed that the illness and mortality rates were quite a bit higher in some of the nurseries. His observations and experiments led to the finding that the children who were becoming ill and dying had nothing to do with hygiene or nutrition, but rather had to do with the amount of touching the infants received from the attending staff. He confirmed his findings by hiring "grandmothers" to come into the nurseries to hold, fondle, and cuddle the children. The illness and mortality rates declined rapidly.

Researchers at Miami's Touch Research Institute (TRI) found that premature infants who received three massages a day over 10 days gained 47 percent more weight than preemies who weren't massaged. David Sebringsil, who writes regularly for The Society For Human Sexuality (one of the best online sources of excellent, sex-positive information), recommends Erotic Massage become a part of or alternative to regular lovemaking. It is one of the best ways to help someone achieve extended, multiple, or "whole body" orgasmic states. Through erotic massage partners learn to give and receive loving touch and extraordinary pleasure. It makes you healthier and happier.

Healthy blood, healthy bones, healthy heart, healthy body and a peaceful mind - all thanks to the healing powers of sex. Next time you're in the mood let her know you've got the doctor on your side!

Al Link and Pala Copeland own and operate 4 Freedoms Relationship Tantra. They regularly host Tantra Sacred Loving weekends near Ottawa Canada, and weeklong retreats in exotic locations around the planet. For more information call toll free from Canada or USA: 1-800-684-5308 International long distance: 1-819-689-5308. Visit their website http://www.tantra-sex.com/ or send email: 4freedoms@tantraloving.com Their book, Soul Sex: Tantra for Two, is published by New Page Books, 2003.

Freeing the Female Orgasm

Women's capacity for orgasm is awesome. They can come over and over again, and still be ready for more! This capacity seems almost limitless. They can experience clitoral orgasms, g-spot orgasms, vaginal orgasms, ejaculatory orgasms, blended orgasms, and not only one but multiples of any of these! They've even been blessed with a body part, the clitoris, whose only purpose is sexual pleasure. This may all seem a bit unfair to men who typically reach a precipice, fall over the edge, roll over and go to sleep!

Why is it then that so many women are frustrated rather than satisfied? Why is it that for so many loving couples, the female orgasm remains an elusive dream; one in which she's perhaps become resigned to sex that's pleasurable but not truly satisfying, or even worse, faking it to salvage her partner's ego. If it is really bad perhaps she fakes orgasm just to get the sexual ordeal over with! Or he sadly wonders: What's wrong with me? Why can't I make her come despite stiff fingers and aching tongue? His sexual self-esteem is wounded, and he secretly feels less of a man believing he has failed her.

The first step on the path to freeing a woman's orgasm is for both men and women to understand that men do not give women orgasms. Women allow themselves to have orgasms. Despite popular belief, no matter how good a lover you may be, unless your partner can give herself up to the pleasures of her body, she won't have orgasms. This realization alone can open the door to women becoming orgasmic. It takes the pressure to "perform" off of men, and it frees women to take responsibility for their own sexual fulfillment.

This is very important. If your woman is blaming you, and you may also be blaming yourself for her not having orgasms, it is quite possible, even likely, that you are both looking in the wrong place to solve the problem. Mind you, an unskilled, selfish, or insensitive male lover can be a real problem, and at the very least is certainly a dull bore. And to say that a woman is responsible for her own sexual fulfillment does not mean you revert to a slam-bam-thank-you-ma'am approach to sex and let her fend for herself. After all, the more skilled and attentive a lover is the more pleasure he himself receives, and although you can't give her an orgasm you certainly can help her to have one, or even lots of them. So even though it's not entirely up to you, there is something you can do to help.

The biggest barrier to orgasm for women is mental distraction - thoughts that float into her mind, catching her in her head, and taking her away from what's going on in her body. As soon as she starts thinking, she is out of the moment and will lose touch with her senses and her pleasure. Some of these thoughts may trigger feelings of shame or guilt about experiencing sexual pleasure, for no matter how liberated our attitudes toward sex seem to have become, there yet exists the perception that "good" girls don't! Even today women are divided into categories of "virgin" or "whore". Those who engage lustily in the delights of the body are somehow morally questionable. You can help your delectable partner move beyond these pleasure stifling attitudes by letting her know how much you respect, admire and cherish her fully female sensual self. Tell her often, especially when you're making love, that it thoroughly turns you on to see her let loose the passionate side of her nature.

This is not always easy for men to do. They may have internalized an unconscious conditioning that leads them to accept the rather misogynist belief that women can't be good and pure, and also be fantastic lovers. If they believe this, they are placing themselves in a very unfortunate situation. This belief system inevitably leads to the man selecting one woman for a partner, spouse and mother, and a different partner for an affair or mistress. Adultery is about the only option left to a man who holds such a belief system. The resulting deceit and lying force a separation between the couple and the relationship ends soon enough, for example in breaking up or divorce. In this scenario, the man is at fault and the solution does lie with him. Only a change in his beliefs will solve this problem.

Sexual abuse is a horror and curse that is unbelievably common in our society. Women that have been sexually abused often have great difficulty in allowing themselves to trust their lover, let go into the sensual moment, and surrender to sexual ecstasy. If your lady is having difficulty experiencing orgasm; if you are a reasonably skilled lover; and if you have communicated to her that you honestly wish her to fully awaken as a sexual partner, then the problem could be some psychological damage from sexual abuse. Ask her about this with the greatest tenderness and caring that you are capable of. Be aware that many women actually blame themselves for their own sexual abuse, so this can be the touchiest of all possible subjects for discussion. If sexual abuse is an issue, it is advisable to encourage her to seek professional counseling or some other form of help.

Besides worrying about whether they are "bad" if they really enjoy and want sex "a lot", many women worry about enjoying sex the right way. They worry about how they look, smell and taste. They worry that the cellulite in their upper thighs or the slight bulge of tummy fat may quiver unattractively. They worry about being "clean down there". They worry about how long it takes to reach climax, how much time their man has to spend stroking, licking, and caressing to help them fly over the mountain. All of these thoughts take them out of lovemaking. To help her stay in the pleasures of her body tell her with words and sounds and looks that you adore her, you love to devour her with your tongue, you could keep on touching her forever, it's a delight to you to give her pleasure. And mean it, because if you haven't learned how to enjoy pleasuring your partner, pretty soon you won't have one!

Once she's able to relax into the joys of lovemaking and focus on the exquisite sensations her body can feel rather than listening to the demon distractors her mind can conjure up, a woman's path to orgasm is much clearer. With particular loving skills of your own you can assist her to break that path wide open.

Most men enjoy having their genitals touched at any time, whether they're sexually aroused or not. This isn't usually the case with women. Think of the vagina as a "potential" opening, a magical door that will happily open wide to receive you, but only after you've called ahead to ensure your welcome. Be certain she's eager for your genital explorations by focusing loving attention on other parts of her body first - lots of kissing, neck nuzzling, tender strokes on back, shoulders and arms, then adoring caresses of her breasts. Only after you sense she's ready, through signs like rapid breathing, flushed skin, hardened nipples or enticing moans should you move to her vagina. Once your hand or mouth is at her sweet honey pot begin to explore it from the outside inward - outer lips, clitoris, inner lips, vaginal canal.

Generally women reach orgasm most easily through clitoral stimulation. The clitoris is extremely sensitive to touch of all kinds. Often the head of the clitoris, the pointed tip, is too sensitive for much direct pressure, so focus your attention on the sides. Touch around the clitoris instead of right on it, at least until her level of excitement increases. The skin tissue of your fingers is not nearly as sensitive as the tissue around her clitoris. But the tissue of your mouth and tongue is an almost perfect match in sensitivity. Unless you are more highly skilled in using your fingers, it is a much safer way to start by using your mouth for oral stimulation of the clitoris. Experiment with different pressures, strokes and speeds. Ask her which ones she likes best. A good way to do this is to try two different touches, then ask her if she likes "a" or "b" better.

If she's willing, invite her to masturbate for you so you can learn exactly how she likes to be touched. Many women are shy to do this at first but with some gentle encouragement she may really show her wanton self. It can be a great turn-on for both of you. Many men are actually quite frightened by a woman who is fully sexually awakened. They may doubt their own ability as a man to keep up, or to be able to perform adequately. They may fear that if she is too much woman sexually for him, that she may go elsewhere and find what she wants. It may help you to overcome this fear if you remember that you are not responsible for giving your lady sexual satisfaction. She must do that for herself. But if this fear is very strong, you may seek counseling help to deal with it.

When you do find a particular stroke or caress that is really driving her wild, keep doing it and keep doing it and keep doing it. Don't change anything about it. Don't go faster, slower, softer, harder, or switch direction. Keep doing exactly the same thing until she lets you know she wants a change either through words or body movement. This holds true whether you're pleasuring her clitorally or vaginally with your fingers or your mouth. Keep going even if your hands or mouth get really tired!

It's a good idea to wait until she is very aroused before entering her vagina either with your fingers or your penis. Generally if she's not wet, she's not ready. It's as simple as that. If your lover doesn't have a lot of natural vaginal juices even when she is fully aroused be sure to use a good silicone or water-based lubricant. Nothing can be a quicker turn-off than rough, dry skin rubbing on soft vaginal tissues. Water-based or silicone lubricant is better because oil can clog the sensitive vaginal tissue.

The most sensitive part of a woman's vaginal canal is the first inch to two inches. It's here that most of the nerve endings are located, so when you first enter her concentrate most of your attention there. The elusive g-spot can usually be found in this general area, on the top of the vaginal wall, a couple of inches in. Imagine a glass lying on the floor. If you reach your first two fingers into the glass at the top, i.e., toward the ceiling rather than the bottom towards the floor, you should find it. It is difficult to reach the g-spot through intercourse, so you will find it much easier with you fingers than with your penis. There are also some interesting dildos and vibrators with just the right shape to reach the G-spot. Move your index finger or your first two fingers in a "come hither" motion (as if you were asking someone from across the room to come over to where you are) and gently stroke her. When you touch her g-spot you may notice a more bumpy or raised area of skin, but you may not. The best way to know you've found this highly intense love spot is by her reaction. Where you look is not quite as important as when you look. Unless she is excited through and through, perhaps from a clitoral orgasm beforehand, it can be difficult to find the g-spot.

Stimulation of the g-spot can produce extraordinarily intense orgasms. As a woman is approaching a g-spot orgasm she may feel she has to urinate. This may immediately cause her to tighten up, stop, and pull back from the edge of bliss. If she can stay relaxed and keep going through that "have-to-pee" sensation it will pass and move on into deep waves of sexual delight. The woman should urinate before intercourse begins, so she can be more confident that the feeling that she has to urinate is a misleading feeling and can be safely ignored.

For most women it is difficult to reach a climax through intercourse alone. This is because the sensitive clitoris isn't easily stimulated just by thrusting motions; the g-spot is difficult to reach with even a fully erect penis; and because often the male partner goes over the edge into ejaculatory orgasm before the woman has had enough action to bring her to the heights. If you touch her clitoris before and during intercourse, and if you've pleasured her vaginally by touching the g-spot with your fingers, the chances are much better that she will have a deep vaginal orgasm while your penis is inside her.

Learn the strokes that turn her on. Tell her how fabulous it is that she's sensual and sexual. Let her know you adore her body and love to touch and kiss it for hours. Help her forget about trying to make orgasm happen and focus instead on thoroughly enjoying every moment of lovemaking. If you awaken your multi-orgasmic woman you are going to like it!

Al Link and Pala Copeland own and operate 4 Freedoms Relationship Tantra. They regularly host Tantra Sacred Loving weekends near Ottawa Canada, and weeklong retreats in exotic locations around the planet. For more information call toll free from Canada or USA: 1-800-684-5308 International long distance: 1-819-689-5308. Visit their website http://www.tantra-sex.com/ or send email: 4freedoms@tantraloving.com Their book, Soul Sex: Tantra for Two, is published by New Page Books, 2003.

How to Make First Sex Fabulous Sex

The heat is on. You can literally feel it arcing between you. Whether it's an enticing stranger you've just met or a special someone you've been slowly getting to know, you're aware that now is the time to take your connection to the physical level. You can sense that she's about ready to hop into bed and you damn well know that you are. So how do you make this first time with someone new a glorious moment you'll both fondly remember rather than a nightmare you'd just as soon forget?

The first thing to zero in on is attitude. What exactly is it you want from this coming sexual encounter -- a lusty one night romp or the beginning of a longstanding passionate relationship?

There certainly is nothing wrong with a one-night stand. There is something extremely exciting about sex with a stranger, with absolutely no strings attached. Many women feel this way, not only men. What we all have to be careful about is simply using the other person, treating them as an object only for our satisfaction.

No one likes being treated as an object. No one likes being used for someone else's purpose. Men typically use women as sex objects. But just as often women treat men as success objects. What does it mean to treat a person as an object? It means you use that person to get what you want without particular regard to what happens to them or how they feel. At one extreme you would not even care if you actually cause harm. More frequently harm is not intended, but the well being of the person you are using is of little or no concern to you. What is of concern to you is to get what you want, which in this case is sex.

When you want sex and you do anything necessary to get it you are using the woman as a sex object. You may lie and otherwise be deceitful about what is really going on. You may pretend to care or be interested in her, but all you really want is to get laid. After you get what you want, you disappear and she never hears from you again. You don't call. You may not even say hello on the street. You may feel contempt or disgust toward her for having had sex with you. But this is really a disguised form of self-contempt and self-hatred projected onto women. It is very unhealthy and in the long run will leave you alone, lonely, bitter and cynical. This is hardly a prescription for happiness.

Quick sex between consenting adults is not about using each other as an object, assuming both of you understand what is happening, and no deceit is involved. We call this scenario "no-strings sex." With no-strings sex, both parties understand that it is not intended that you will ever see each other again. You do not exchange addresses or phones or personal histories. This situation ranks high on the list of most common fantasy for both men and women. The sex may be extremely hot and passionate. Both lovers may feel an extraordinary freedom and be willing to let go completely, dropping their usual sexual shyness and restraint. Often they will experiment with and allow themselves to enjoy what they would only dream of doing, but never allow themselves to do with someone they knew or were in an ongoing relationship with. They may experiment with things they did not even dream were possible.

There are only two rules for no-strings sex. They are very simple rules.

Rule #1: Mutual consent for everything is mandatory. By "mutual consent" we mean that all aspects of your lovemaking are agreed to by both. You meet together on the sexual playing field as equals. No one gets physically hurt. When your partner says "I don't want to do that" or "stop, that hurts" you must stop instantly. This is where "no" always means no.

Rule #2: Don't try to find her later!

The other type of first time encounter is with someone with whom you intend to have an ongoing relationship. We will call this scenario "relationship sex." With relationship sex, it is understood by both of you that there may be an ongoing relationship after the sex. In fact, it would be quite normal for relationship sex to take place after you have been seeing each other for some time. In this scenario sex is not the start of the relationship, but a deepening of it. It is also quite common for a relationship to start with a sexual encounter. If the sex rocks the earth, or even if it is just pretty good, you may want to go further into relationship to see if you can connect on other important levels and make something work together in the longer run. This could evolve into living together or even marriage.

The first rule for no-strings sex also applies to relationship sex. 1. Mutual consent for everything is mandatory. In addition to this rule there are a few others to keep in mind. 2. Great respect is mandatory. 3. Great caring is mandatory. 4. Open, honest communication is mandatory. 5. Gentleness is used as required, and roughness is used as mutually desired.

The Rules

1. Mutual consent for everything is mandatory. If you do not both enjoy it, what is the point? Remember, we are not using each other, we are loving each other. It is certainly all right for one partner to try things because the other person likes it even if they don't, but this is a gift freely given and cannot be required.

2. Great respect is mandatory. Respect implies that you are aware of what the other person wants. You are willing to discover what they are capable of and what their sexual limits are. Your lover may have been injured psychologically or emotionally from past relationships. In fact this will almost certainly be the case, almost everyone has had their heart broken at least once. At the extreme, they may have experienced sexual abuse as a child. They may feel insecure about their sexuality. They may suffer from low self-esteem as a lover. They may be quite inexperienced in sexual technique. You must be extremely patient and ever so sensitive to the messages they send out about how fast to proceed, what to do and not do. Talk openly to establish the boundaries of your sexuality. Then experiment to push back the boundaries at a pace you can both find comfortable and safe.

3. Great caring is mandatory. Love is always given and received as a gift. It has been said that there is no such thing as bad sex, that sex without love can still be great sex, but sex with caring adds a warmth that connects two hearts and souls together. This is sex beyond technique. Sex with caring leaves the lovers filled. Sex with love leaves the lovers overflowing. It is caring that moves sex beyond the physical to allow for the creation of a deeper spiritual connection. Most men want an emotional connection and most would welcome a more spiritual experience of sex, but they are afraid and they just haven't learned how to do it yet. Most women quite frankly, require the emotional connection as the price of entry.

4. Gentleness is used as required, and roughness is used as mutually desired. With mutual consent anything goes. But it is usually best to start out with more gentleness and progress to more roughness only as you learn that she wants it and likes it. Many women like a playful roughness as long as they feels truly safe. But if you have not established a high degree of trust with her, roughness prematurely can end what could have been an excellent long-term sexually passionate relationship.

5. Open, honest communication is mandatory. Talk about sex. Tell each other what you like and dislike. A good way to do this is to always offer choices A and B and ask which she likes best. This avoids the damage to fragile egos that young men are so prone to when they are learning about a new lover. If a man hears, "I don't like that" it is very easy for him to have his feelings hurt and this may cause him to withdraw, or get angry, or react in some dysfunctional way. But if you give your women, for example, the choice between fondling her breasts this way, or this way, and ask which is best, you will not have your feelings hurt, and you will quickly learn what she really likes. This is how a lover becomes a great lover.

If you need to have your imagination stimulated to know what to try, read any of several great lover's manuals available in good bookstores everywhere. Then use the A-or-B technique to find out about your woman specifically. Here are a few titles to look for. You can order these from our web site if you can't find them in your local bookstore.

"Soul Sex: Tantra for Two", by Pala Copeland and Al Link
"The Art of Sexual Ecstasy: The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western Lovers" by Margo Anand
"How to Make Love All Night (And Drive a Woman Wild: Male Multiple Orgasm and Other Secrets for Prolonged Lovemaking)" by Barbary Keesling
"The New Male Sexuality" by Bernie Zilbergeld
"How to Overcome Premature Ejaculation" by Helen Singer Kaplan

Once you've honestly considered your attitude you can move into the physical aspects of loving: like the setting, foreplay, afterplay and all the juicy bits in between. In the East there is a long tradition of the warrior lover ? a man who has prepared himself physically, emotionally and mentally for the great and glorious battle between the sheets. This is not for dominating or defeating your lover but for skillfully bringing out the best in both of you so you can rise to new heights in your sexuality.

The idea of creating the right ambience for lovemaking may seem artificial or calculated, but there is an art to great loving and why not bring out the artist in yourself? A secluded place, candlelight, music, wine, food and clean sheets may sound like a trite scene from an old James Bond movie but they still hold true. Women love to be adored and creating a special place for loving shows that you care about what they want too.

It has become common knowledge that foreplay is very important in bringing a woman to sexual satisfaction. She takes longer to become aroused to the point where she can match you in intensity of desire. But what is also essential is afterplay. When you've come to a happy climax don't just roll over and go to sleep or get up and go home. Even though your hormones may be telling you you're finished, your lover won't be. Take the time and make the effort to show your appreciation and caring through some tender cuddling and soft words or by sharing some food and conversation. You'll benefit too from staying in love's sweet afterglow.

Finally, it shouldn't have to be said but it still does, always, always practice safe sex. Use condoms and dental dams until you are certain you're in a completely monogamous relationship and you've both had AIDS tests. Remember good first time sex with someone means no one gets hurt, during loving or afterwards.

Al Link and Pala Copeland own and operate 4 Freedoms Relationship Tantra. They regularly host Tantra Sacred Loving weekends near Ottawa Canada, and weeklong retreats in exotic locations around the planet. For more information call toll free from Canada or USA: 1-800-684-5308 International long distance: 1-819-689-5308. Visit their website http://www.tantra-sex.com/ or send email: 4freedoms@tantraloving.com Their book, Soul Sex: Tantra for Two, is published by New Page Books, 2003.